Really funny stuff | MadeMeLaugh.com

Adapted from a post on TV.com:

1. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
2. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home,
3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. This always immediately precedes a romantically-intimate scene.
5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their skimpiest underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.
6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
7. If someone says, “I’ll be right back”…they won’t.
8. Computer monitors never simply display a cursor on screen (and god forbid that anyone has a Windows GUI displaying). Rather, they always read: “Enter Password Now”.
9. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. None of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit. Every front door can be opened from the outside without having to use a key.
10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
13. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head.
14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
15. Any bullet from a handgun has enough force to throw a full-grown man back ten feet.
16. A chase scene on foot in a city always involves one of the characters running into the street, nearly being hit by a car screeching to a halt at which point the driver flails his arm out the window and yells an expletive.
17. Anytime a character in an awful rush confronts another character curious about his predicament, the first one says, “There’s no time to explain,” and then explains anyway.
18. No matter how slow zombies walk…they will always catch up.
19. The bad guy will always throw his gun at you to indicate he has run out of bullets…because a thrown gun is such an effective weapon.
20. A candle or table lamp can light a whole room. And at nighttime, it’s blue.
21. If the main guy is in love with the main girl, he will always get her in the end, even if she’s married. If she is married, her husband will always say, “Oh well, if it makes you happy”.
22. Everyone who needs a computer can type super-fast and never needs to hit the space bar.
23. All computers have incredibly-powerful graphics applications which can zoom infinitely into blurry photos and make any magnification clear enough to recognize the smallest detail.
24. Good guys never panic, they stay cool at point blank range, and most frequently bluff their way out with the “you can’t kill me now…you NEED me to execute your plan” story.
25. Text appearing on a computer monitor appears letter by letter, accompanied by typewriter sounds.
26. When gunfire erupts in public places and cops respond instantly to it, they’re usally killed by the first shots.
27. Cats always make a noise. If someone is creeping into a house and is momentarily scared by a cat, it always has to meow before running off.
28. A woman being chased by a murderer will always trip and fall over, either because she’s running in stiletto heels or is ridiculously clumsy.
29. It is possible to drive safely for long periods with your head turned completely away from the road ahead, either in conversation or looking at a map.
30. Women can never find their car keys while being pursued by a killer. Once they do find them, it takes them ages to fumble the keys into the lock and then the ignition, giving the killer enough time to reach the car and pound on the window.
31. A person investigating strange noises in their house always finds that the lights don’t work, then stumble around in the dark rather than getting a flashlight. At least one of the noises they hear will turn out to be made by a cat.
32. When a cat eats a fish, it leaves the skeleton perfectly reserved and intact.
33. Dogs always bark at ghosts.
34. Vicious guard dogs can be easily distracted with a piece of steak.
35. Mice can somehow fashion a perfectly semi-circular entrance to their dwelling.
36. Many animals, when they consume alcohol, will take on human drunken characteristics, usually to the sound of a trombone being played.
37. Anytime a person is expecting a bad guy to jump out at them…after stalking around carefully for some time…they’ll jump and/or scream,  then sigh in relief when it’s just the cat, or the wind, or a tree branch against the window. But as soon as they let their guard down and laugh at their “silliness”, they’re going to be attacked by the bad guy that really was there the whole time.
38. Police officers never wait for back-up.
39. The only time people say hello on the telephone is when it turns to be the bad guy on the other end of line calling to torment them.
40. Bad things usually happen to women who are alone in the house on stormy nights.
41. If you are driving somewhere on any other route other than a city roadway, you will probably have that road all to yourself and will not pass or be passed by another vehicle. That is, until that one other large vehicle (usually a semi truck) comes around the bend with its high-beams on, blinding you and causing you to veer into the ravine or a nearby tree.
42. In the movies everyone seems to have some odd “L shaped” sheets on their beds able to cover a woman up to her neck and her partner up to his waist.
43. Being around a bomb causes time to slow down.
44. Bad guys die almost instantly, good guys die slowly.
45. When the good guy is being attacked by a gang, they will run at him one at a time while the rest stand around in a menacing manner, allowing him to defeat the bad guys one by one before the scene ends.
46. Most police investigations will require at least one visit to a strip club.
47. You can jump from a tall building and land on mattresses, a pile of boxes, or a dumpster full of garbage and…though you might groan and be a little slow getting up…you will not sustain any serious injury.
48. It’s very easy to fool the security guards at highly top-secret government institutions.
49. It’s very easy for a computer hacker to break a security code and find just the information he’s looking for in less than a minute.
50. If you’re a criminal mastermind, you cannot simply shoot the hero in the back. Instead, you are required to tie him up and wait for some diabolical machine to finish the hero off. Also, no matter how tempting it may be, you cannot wait around to make sure your plan works (although you may leave a couple of your henchman just outside the door). This, of course, allows the hero a chance to escape, which he always does…because apparently even criminal masterminds don’t understand the basics of knot-typing or removing hairpins from the pockets of those they capture.
51. When any plain girl takes off her glasses, gets a haircut, and puts on nice clothes she is suddenly very hot.
52. No matter who you are calling, no matter what time you are making the call, the person you’re calling will always answer the phone, usually after only one or two rings. Of course, this assumes you aren’t running from a killer while trying to make a call on a cell phone, in which case there is a 100% chance that either the battery will be dead or you’ll be out of signal range.
53. People in movies rarely have to shave. However, when a guy does shave, he will be interrupted while half-finished, and will wipe the remaining shaving cream off with a towel. Of course, even the part he didn’t finish will be perfectly smooth.
54. When a good guy enters a house, he/she will avoid every shot of machine-gun fire while killing a lot of bad guys. He/she doesn’t need to reload his/her pistol until he/she runs out of ammo…which coincidentially happens when the main bad guy appears, at which point he/she fights him/her hand-to-hand.
55. When a woman is being pursued by a scary serial killer that she knows is in her house, she will always run upstairs instead of out of the house.
56. Any door lock can be defeated with a hairpin or a credit card.
57. The bad guy will always tell the good guy every detail about his master plan…instead of just shooting him.
58. When you turn on the TV, the news will almost always be on. Failing this, all other TV programming appears to consistent of 60s sci-fi and horror films.
59. There’s always a corrupt police officer.
60. If you meet a member of the opposite sex, and you both hate each other… don’t worry… you’ll eventually fall in love with each other.
61. Major disasters always happen in New York.

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