Apr 17
Rather uneventful…oh, except for Step #23.Â
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Apr 14
Adapted from a post on TV.com:
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Apr 12
Definitions based on…what the word sounds like when spoken out loud:
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Apr 12
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
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Apr 12
Six husbands will be dropped on an island.
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Apr 12
a. For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b. For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c. For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
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Apr 12
I was in San Francisco once, walking along the Golden Gate Bridge, and I saw this guy on the bridge about to jump. So I thought I’d try to stall and detain him…at least long enough for me to put the film in. I said, “Don’t jump!” and he turns…
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Apr 09
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.”
I said, “You’ll be sorry.”
He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?”
I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, “Didn’t I see you on television?” I said, “I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.”
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I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna return it, rather than keep it, but I thought: “Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?” And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Apr 09
Some winners of The Washington Post’s contest for alternate meanings for common words:
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Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.
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Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.
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Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
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Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
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Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.
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Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.
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Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.
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Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
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Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Apr 09
Hang on to any of the new State of Michigan quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Michigan quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
“We are recalling all the new Michigan quarters that were recently issued,” Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. “This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices.”
The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.
“The problem lies in the unique design of the Michigan quarter, which was created by a University of Michigan graduate.”, Shackleford said. “Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices.”