Just before the funeral, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
‘How old was your husband?’
‘98,’ she replied. ‘Two years older than me’
‘So you’re 96?’ the undertaker commented.
She responded, ‘Yep…hardly worth going home, is it?
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The Secretary of Defense was giving the President his daily security briefing.
As he wrapped it up, he said, “Finally, Mr. President, three Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in a border skirmish with the Venezuelan forces of President Hugo Chavez.”
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Who knows or cares if they’re true. They’re still funny!
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Jessica Turbo was one of those people you only run across a few times in your life. She was kind-hearted…always reaching out to the needy…a woman of faith, who never said an unkind word about anyone. Sometimes you wonder how a person like that survives in the real world…but amazingly, they do.
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A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when  suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards  him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?â€
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ʇxÇʇdı1ÉŸ/ɯoÉ”.ɹdıus//:dʇʇɥ oʇ ɹÇÊŒo pÉÇÉ¥ ɹÇʇʇÇq p,noÊŽ ‘ÊÉs ɹÇÊŒÇ noÊŽ buıɥʇ ʇsÇʇnÉ” Çɥʇ sı sıɥʇ Êžuıɥʇ noÊŽ ɟı ʇnq ¡ÇÉ”Édsʎɯ uo suÇÇʇ Çɥʇ ÉŸo ʇsoɯ sÉ ÇɹnʇÉɯ sÉ Çɹ,noÊŽ Êou znÉ” ‘poob É¥o ¿sıɥʇ pÉÇɹ noÊŽ uÉÉ” (check it out at http://snipr.com/fliptext)
Paris Huffington was driving the other day…who knows where? After all, she doesn’t work, being an heiress and all. And she was kissing her little toy poodle instead of paying attention to the road. Suddenly, she looked up and saw the rear bumper of the car in front of her getting real close, real fast. She slammed on her brakes, but…it was too late. *CRASH/BANG/POOF/OWWW* (and all those other sound effects from the original Batman TV series!)
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It seems like…anymore…insults are about speed of delivery, and frequently consist of crass language and comments that can barely be repeated in mixed company. But in the good ol’ days…men with minds knew how to slide the knife in and out without the victim so much as realizing they’d been stabbed.
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In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
“I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces. “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure…very risky…but it’s the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves…”
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?”
The doctor quickly responded, “$100,000 for a male brain, and $1000 for a female brain.”
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask:
“Why is the male brain so much more?”
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group: “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve actually been used.”
Rather uneventful…oh, except for Step #23.Â
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