What’s red and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

This was my grandfathers all time favorite joke.

Pop Pop: What’s red and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

Me: I don’t know…

Pop Pop: A Red dingle dangle of course!

Pop Pop: What’s green and dingle dangles from the ceiling?

Me: A green dingle dangle!

Pop Pop: No they only come in Red.

Me: :|

submitted by BeadyPete
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The black cow and the white cow.

A man goes hiking and he sees a farmer with two cows, one is black and the other is white. The man walks up to the farmer and asks him “What do you feed the cows?” The farmer asks “The black one or the white one?”. “The black one” says the man. “I feed it grass.” “What about the white one then?” “I feed it grass too.” The man nods “And where do the usually sleep?” “The black one or the white one?” the farmer asks. “The black one” “In the barn” “What about the white one?” “It sleeps in the barn too.” Says the farmer. The hiker starts getting frustrated, “And what do you use them for?” he asks. The farmer asks again “The black one or the white one?”. “The black one” “Well I use it to get milk” “And the white one?” “I use it to get milk too.” The hiker gets extremely angry, and yells “What the hell is wrong with you? You keep asking me which cow I mean, then give me the same response for both!” The farmer answers calmly “Well because the black cow is mine.” “Oh, and what about the white one?” “It’s mine too..”

submitted by eyePlus
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Penguin takes his car to the mechanic

On a really hot day, a penguin takes his car to a mechanic. The penguin asks, “How long will it be?” The mechanic says, “Just a few minutes.”

So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there, he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream. Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the mechanic. With ice cream all over his face and his stomach, he asks, “So how’s my car?” The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, “Looks like you blew a seal.” The penguin says, “No, it’s just ice cream–I swear!”

submitted by FlyingSpaniard
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A white man goes to a brothel and asks for the biggest, fattest black lady.

The madam asks him “are you sure?” He says “yes ma’am. I am 100% sure. As a matter of fact, the bigger the better. Don’t hold back.” The madam instructs him to up the stairs and follow the hallway all the way to the back and knock on the door at the end of the hall way. The man arrives at the door and knocks. When it opens, there stands the largest woman he has ever seen. 6’5″ and all of 700 lbs. She looks at him funny and asks ” are you at the right door hun?” He looks her up and down and says “oh yes ma’am. you are just the woman I’ve been looking for.” He proceeds into the room, and grabs a chair. He pulls the chair to the center of the room and sits down. He then asks the lady to stand in front of him with her back to him. She is puzzled at this, but does as he asks. He then says to her “can you touch your toes?” She bends over and gets pretty close for her size. As she is doing this, the man gets up from the chair and admires her from several directions, even gets right up close to her. This goes on for a couple minutes. He never says a word, just looks at her from behind. After a bit, he says, “OK, how much do I owe you?” The lady says “50 bucks hun.” The man hands her the 50 and starts to walk out. She stops him and says,” look, I’ve been doing this a lot of years. I have never had any one just sit there and stare like that. I’ve gotta ask, why did you do that?”

The man says, ” Well I just bought a new house, and the outside is painted black. I just wanted to see what it would look like with pink shutters.”

submitted by doodlewacker
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White Elephant

An old farmer is tending his crop one day when he spies a white elephant trampling the edge of his field. He knows that there are four different types of elephants in his area: red elephants, blue elephants, purple elephants, and white elephants.

To kill a blue elephant you use a blue elephant gun, to kill a red elephant you use a red elephant gun, and to kill a purple elephant you use a purple elephant gun. However scientists have so far been able to create a white elephant gun. So what could the farmer do?

Well the farmer had been working his land for 50 years, so he knew some tricks. One thing was that white elephants love cherry cheesecake.

So one morning the farmer goes out to the patch of ground where the white elephant was before and set out a cherry cheesecake with ten cherries arranged in a circle, and then retreated to his house to watch. The white elephant soon came across the offering and was overjoyed; it happily gobbled it up because white elephants love cherry cheesecake.

The next morning the farmer left out a cheesecake, but this time it only had nine cherries on top, this time in a star pattern. When the white elephant found the cherry cheesecake it was delighted, and quickly ate it without noticing that there was one less cherry (white elephants can’t count well past 5) because white elephants love cherry cheesecake.

The next morning the farmer left out a cheesecake with seven cherries on it, in the shape of a light bulb. The white elephant subconsciously senses that there is less of a cherry flavor, but it doesn’t really notice because it’s very lucky for there to be a cheesecake in the same spot three days in a row. It eats the cheesecake because white elephants love cherry cheesecake.

The next morning the farmer sets out a cheesecake with six cherries in a semi circle. The white elephant is beginning to think that something is wrong, because it definitely seems like there is something off about it. The elephant eats it anyway because white elephants love cherry cheesecake.

The next day the farmer put out a cheesecake with five cherries on it in a pentagon. The white elephant knows for sure that something is wrong because it can count to 5, and there used to be more than that. It grunts and waves its trunk around a little, but still eats it because white elephants love cherry cheesecake.

The next morning the farmer set out a cheesecake with just four cherries arranged in a square. The elephant is beginning to get upset about its dwindling cherries, but it eats it anyway because white elephants love cherry cheesecake.

The next morning the farmer left out a cheesecake with only three cherries arranged in a triangle. The elephant has now grown furious, so it storms out away from the farmer’s field into his neighbor’s, which the elephant proceeds to trample and destroy. Then, having cooled down a little it returns and eats the cheesecake, because white elephants love cherry cheesecake.

The next morning the farmer put out a cheesecake with two cherries. The elephant is again so furious that it angrily runs off and destroys the neighbor’s house and crushes his car. Then it comes back because white elephants love cherry cheesecake.

The next morning the farmer sets out a cheesecake with only one cherry, stuck right in the center. The elephant is in full rage mode, and it goes to the neighbor’s house. Since his house was destroyed the neighbor was living in a tent. The elephant trampled the tent and crushed him to death. Then it came ad begrudgingly ate the cheesecake because white elephants love cherry cheesecake.

On the final day the farmer changes things up a little. Instead of cherries, he covers it in slices of pears. When the white elephant saw this it couldn’t believe its eyes. White elephants HATE pears! They despise pears! And there was no cherry cheesecake! The white elephant was just so angry, just so full of rage that it couldn’t even move. It just stood there and turned purple with rage and the farmer shot it with the purple elephant gun.

TL,DR: The farmer wins.

submitted by soplias
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Boy VS Girl Friends

A Girl is giving directions to her new boyfriend to get to her apartment. She says: “You come to the front door of the apartment complex where I live and look for apartment 14A, and with your elbow push button 14A. Come inside and you’ll find the elevator on the right. With your elbow hit 14. When you get out of the elevator you’ll find my apartment on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I’ll open the door for you” The boyfriend says: “Dear, that sounds very easy to find, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow ?” “Oh my God!! You’re not coming empty-handed, are you?”

submitted by Chill-Entertainment
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